Truth be told, I had a visit with Mr. Lay today that ended in--- *SSSpppiiiiZZZ-POP-CcchhhhsssshhhHHHHPAAaaaCCCHHH...meeeeep*
We interrupt this fascinating tale of intrigue to bring you breaking news.
A rash of Potato Rabies has been rapidly spreading across the city. We have had at least 1 (thousand) confirmed case(s) here in the central Ohio area and are getting reports in from across the nation that the epidemic is spreading at an exponential rate. This disease is fatal, ladies and gentlemen, and we're here to bring you full coverage on and about this startling illness.
Potato Rabies is characterized by -
-pallid skin
-bulging eyeballs
-foaming and drooling at the mouth
-urges to no longer shower
-an insane "blood lust" for all things potato and/or potato-like
If you or anyone you know exhibits any or all of these symptoms, get them to a [PR] containment facility immediately for quarantine lock-down and testing. It is possible the illness may be reversed before the infected become violent. Here they will be given the only treatment we now have for this disease: the Old Yeller Vaccine.
Due to this rapid outbreak, many stricken with Potato Rabies are now out wandering the streets, trying to satisfy their spud lust. If you have a potato-shaped head or any potato tattoos, we highly recommend that you wear a hat and/or turban and/or clothing that hides said tattoo(s) and/or head for your personal safety.
We strongly urge any humble citizens who have not been infected to stay indoors. Hide your children. Hide your wives. Hide your husbands. There's rabies in everybody out here.
*meeeeepSSSpppiiiiZZZ-POP-CcchhhhsssshhhHHHHPAAaaaCCCHHH...*-and then he said, "It was in the cow the WHOLE TIME!!" Hysterical, right?
Anyway, on to the science:
Height: what has been and will always be 5'0" of pure radiance.
Weight: a brilliant 126 lbs. of wonderment.
I know, I know, the perfection is astounding. Even I... .... Hey... do you smell that? ...
Forever Infected,
Rini
P.S. - I made you a quarantine badge to certify your own infection of Potato Rabies. Feel free to spread the disease. ;)
P.P.S - If you somehow survived, this one's for you troopers. You're welcome.
I know, I know, I'm just too generous to you folks. This isn't shameless self-promotion at all.
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